An Overview of Republican Morality in Reality As Opposed To In Lip Service

Recently "traditional values" conservative Republicans have been exposed as having any number of private perversions, such as:

Hunting while drunk, taking bribes, shopping addiction using bribe money, spousal abuse, pedophilia, using meth, long term sexual affairs with gay prostitutes, toe-tapping in public lavatories, etc.

It's just a matter of time before the next Republican goes before the press to deny he's engaged in some kind of perverted activity that he's obviously engaged in.

What do you think that activity will be?

Bestiality (look out, Barney!)

Nude wrestling in lime jello, with dwarves

Snorting ground money

Obscene phone calls to obese men

Dressing up as hookers and playing "Reds under the Bed"

Using Crayola crayons as a suppository

Lying down in front of Laura Bush and saying "Run me over, baby!"

Teaching Boy Scouts about raising the flagpole

Having man on man sex with Ann Coulter

Shit-eating fetish

Fart Fetish

Human sacrifice

Adult diaper parties

Bush blow-job contests

Riding Miss Piggy [Karl Rove]

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Power and perversion

Never did we think we'd be able to compare the Republican party to the artistic musings of R. Kelly, but it seems more and more Republicans are trapped in the closet.

And like the R&B musician, who was indicted in 2002 for having sexual intercourse with a minor, Republicans try time and again to surreptitiously address their suppressed sexual urges, only to have them erupt in a legal and media blitzkrieg.

Somewhere in Idaho, the hunched-over Republican senator Larry Craig is hoping his legal troubles stemming from a gay "cruising" incident in a Minneapolis airport bathroom last June will "go away."

Of course, he is actually talking about his sexuality, which isn't going anywhere.

His now-notorious airport bathroom foot tap wasn't his first public brush with alleged homosexuality. The Idaho Statesman reported that Craig had oral sex with a man at Union Station in Washington, D.C. in 2004.

Further investigation revealed that Craig tried to seduce a man at a Boise REI store 10 years earlier. In response to these allegations, Sen. Craig stated:

"... I don't go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn't do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!" Clearly, the man has issues that may or may not be limited to his choice of exclamations.

But America has issues too, and everything old is new again as the 2008 election nears. Craig is asserting, in so many words, that there are no gay people in Idaho, and even if there were, one shouldn't be caught dead as out and proud.

Apparently, America is still a country where, if you want to be yourself in a relatively safe environment, you have to hide in a bathroom stall or behind a rack of polar fleece and rely on a language of lewd, hieroglyphic gestures.

Perhaps it's better for Republicans to just stay in their closets. Who can forget Mark Foley, a former Republican congressman from Florida, and his tender e-mails to underage male pages asking what they wanted for their birthdays and requesting pictures of their erect penises? And then there's Rep. Jim Kolbe from Arizona.

In 2000, Kolbe became the first openly gay Republican to speak at the Republican National Convention.

And although Kolbe supports civil unions and abortion rights, he still had a little Foleyesque fun of his own with some pages during a romantic trip to the Grand Canyon in 1996.

If these men can't be honest with themselves, how can they be honest with the country?

Even if they admit their indiscretions, can Republicans recover from the fallout? The party has dug itself into a deep grave of suggested morality that strictly prohibits any sort of social progression.

It sounds like a great scenario for the conservative right who, for the time being, don't have to lose much sleep over gay people finding ways to breed and have thousands of late-term abortions.

But as Republican leaders keep tripping over their own moral agendas, they are inserting nails in the coffin of their future.

Even R. Kelly knows that the truth is only a foot tap away.

Link (with R-rated photo).